I was never the kind of girl to dream about my wedding, and I find myself in the position of now getting to plan one with J and my family.
When J and I first got engaged, I didn't know how I was supposed to react. I mean, I was thrilled and tickled and excited, but I didn't cry. I didn't want to immediately go on my Pinterest board. I didn't want to make any decisions. I called the people who I really wanted to tell, but I didn't want to put anything online. I just wanted to be engaged with my partner without the world creeping in.
But I still felt this pressure like I wasn't being a bride "the right way." I felt like I was supposed to be crying with happiness and have everything already planned and start going all Bridezilla on everyone, haha. It took me a few days to figure this out, and to decide that I was going to do this my way. Really, our way.
I went to a bridal show with my friend Erica a few weeks ago. I got invited through the mail, it was close enough to Concord that it wasn't a huge commitment, but it was also far enough away that it felt like trip. They were also offering me a free "swag bag," so yeah, obviously I was going.
When I checked in, everyone was super nice. The main area was filled with vendors, and Erica gently nudged me through. I'm pretty sure my eyes were huge, and I kept giggling and loudly whispering to her, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DOOO." Funny enough, that's basically the crux of how I feel about being a bride.
The first few venders were great - ladies selling jewelry, a lady selling cupcakes (yes, we got samples. Living' the life), representatives from venues... And about five vendors in, I started getting a overwhelmed. Everyone kept asking me when my fiance and I were getting married, and my answer eventually turned from, "Well, we don't really know right now, but we're thinking sometime in the fall of 2016," to "October 2016," out of desperation and exhaustion from explaining this every 5 minutes.
A few more vendors in, and I thought I was going to have a full-blown panic attack, which is when Erica and I decided to explore the upstairs of the country club and check out the mock-up bridal suit, reception area, and bridal shower the country club had set up. The whole upstairs was quiet and basically empty. Having that little bit of time with just Erica made so much of a difference to me. We goofed off together and sat in fancy chairs and I started really enjoying myself.
Yesterday, I talked with my mom and my grandma about wedding stuff. I was relectant to talk about it at first, and I kept telling them that all the planning made my anxious. They managed to not only talk me down, but I hung up the phone almost 40 minutes later feeling really calm and actually excited about the whole thing. They told me how the important thing was that the wedding was fun and that everyone enjoyed themselves, and I don't know if it was what they were saying or just the joy in their voices, but it made me feel so much better. I even agreed to go wedding dress shopping in the spring, which I have been flatly refusing to do for the past few months.
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In all of this, I think my view of what I'm "supposed" to do and be like has been really warped. I love watching shows like "Say Yes to the Dress," but I don't have to be like all those girls on T.V. I'm not. I would marry J today at the courthouse and be thrilled - so the wedding, for me, is much more about a celebration than anything else. It's extra - a cherry on top of our relationship. I haven't been anxious about the marriage - I've been anxious about the wedding.
I'm really grateful that I have such a supportive fiance, because I wouldn't be here without him. I don't know how to do all this wedding stuff, but I have an amazing family who does, and who I know will make this whole process a million times more fun than it is anxiety-ridden. And I trust myself - I am who I am, and I don't have to pretend to be someone who has everything planned and everything together all the time. I don't have to pretend that I'm obsessed with my own wedding. I'm obsessed with J and my family, and that's more than enough for me. :)
