Tuesday, June 3

12x12: Letters to a Young Poet



Letters to a Young Poet
Rainer Maria Rilke

My mom sent me this book when I was in London. I was thinking about becoming an English major and a writer after graduation, so she wanted me to get the best advice possible, apparently.

What I Loved:
  • This was a suuuper short book. I thought it was 60 pages (still super short), but it really only started around page 10, and the text actually ended at page 40.
  • The writing was really, spectacularly beautiful.
  • I loved the writer's perspective on writing, on sexuality, on art, on questioning... basically everything, haha.
  • It totally confirmed that I will never be the kind of writer that the Young Poet is. He's basically out in the woods in the middle of nowhere, by himself, being sad, being alone, and writing beautiful stuff. I think solitude and heavy, deep feelings are probably some kind of formula to greatness, and I'm not meant for solitude or constantly heavy, deep feelings.
  • The Young Poet seems a lot like Justin Vernon/Bon Iver. I will never be the spectacular poet or artist that Bon Iver or The Young Poet are, but that's probably okay.
What I Wasn't Crazy About:
  • It's really hard to get into at first. The language is very complex and heavy, and it can be really hard to understand his style if you aren't used to it. Once I started underlining passages I liked, the reading got infinitely easier.
  • He talks a lot about solitude, which I have no desire to relate to. I don't mind being alone sometimes, but I definitely don't see myself actively seeking solitude for long bouts of time.
Would I Recommend This Book?
  • Absolutely! There's really no excuse NOT to read this since it's so short, and there are definitely moments of greatness in here. Here are some of my favorite quotes:
"And in point of fact, artistic experience really lies so incredibly close to sexual, to its agony and its ecstasy, that both phenomena are actually only different forms of one and the same longing and felicity."
"Have patience with everything that is unsolved in your heart and to try to cherish the questions themselves, liked closed rooms and like books written in a very strange tongue. Do not search now for the answers which cannot be given you because you could not live them. It is a matter of living everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, one distant day live right into the answer."
"Bodily delight is a great boundless experience which is given us, a knowing of the world, the fullness and the plendour of all knowing. Our acceptance of it is not bad; what is bad is that almost all men misuse and squander this experience."
 "In one creator's thought a thousand forgotten nights of love revive gain and fill it full of loftiness and grandeur."
"And perhaps the sexes are more akin than we suppose, and the great renewal of the world will perhaps consist in this, that man and maiden, freed from all false feelings and perversions, will seek each other not as opposites but as brothers and sisters, as neighbors, and will unite as human beings to bear in common, simply, seriously and patiently, the heavy sex that has been laid upon them."
"One day the girl will be here and the woman whose name will no longer signify merely the opposite of masculinity, but something in itself, something which makes us think of no complement or limitation."
"That is fundamentally the only courage which is demanded of us: to be brave in the face of the strangest, most singular and most inexplicable things that can befall us."
"Do not think that the men who seeks to comfort you lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words which sometimes do you good. His life has much hardship and sadness and lags far behind you. If it were otherwise, he could never have found those words."
"All feelings are pure which gather you and lift you up; a feeling is impure which takes hold of only one side of your being and so distorts you."  
 Have you ever read this book? Would you recommend it?

Monday, June 2

10 Things to Know About Being A Cat Owner


1. Once you own your own cat, you will become completely and utterly obsessed. But how could you not?! LOOK AT THE LITTLE FEET. AND THE LITTLE NOSE. AND THE LITTLE SPOTS. OH MY GODDDD. You realize you don't own shit. That cat owns you, and you are 100% okay with that. Oh, your friends want to go out? Nope, not leaving the house. They can visit if they really want to see you. The day I got James, my parents made me go to see "Bridesmaids" with them. I was in agony for 2 1/2 hours waiting for the movie to get the hell over so I could go back home to see James.



2. You will look at perfectly decorated and trendy homes, and start ticking off everything you could never own, because your cat would knock everything over or hurt himself. Those cool magnetic knife racks? James would cut his face all up trying to investigate that. It's literally asking for him to slice himself open. Nope. Oh, that vase is really cute. It would be broken within 10 minutes. People talk about baby-proofing homes, but you have to cat-proof yours. And not just until they get a little older... We're talking about forever.



3. You will start referring to your cats as your babies and will start becoming crazy-protective of them. And that's totally cool. Sometimes I wonder if I could possibly love a human child more than I love my cats. It kind of scares me that I might... because I would probably kill for my cats, so how the hell am I going to act when I have real, human children?! Terrifying.

And when someone's talking about your cat and misstates something about them, you'll start fuming. "Oh yeah, James loooves it when you rub his belly!" No, bitch, he doesn't. Touch his belly again and the only wrath greater than his will be mine. I don't even want to think about my reaction if someone tried to hurt him.

4. You will have an intimate knowledge of your cat, and be super proud when they let you do things to them that they won't let anyone else do. I am the only person James lets touch his belly. He won't let J. Just me. Am I proud of that? WAY TOO MUCH. I know exactly where he likes his tail stump and legs rubbed. He trusts me. I take way too much pride in all of these things, but screw it. I'm not ashamed.



5. Your cat will be the nosiest, most curious little asshole in the history of time. Oh, the door is shut? I want in. I want out. I can't decide. I'm going to trying to open every single closed door in the loudest way possible even though I don't have opposable thumbs. Oh, you're making out with your boyfriend? I would like to investigate please. Oh, you're trying to get dressed? I'm going to open the door the entire way. What is in the cupboard? Nothing? I'm still going in. What's in this bag? I'm going to chew my way in to find out. WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME IN THIS ROOM ALONE? I will cry and scratch and cry louder until you come back.

Your cat will also have the worst timing. He will wake up at 5 am every morning, even if he's not hungry. That's just when cats wake up, apparently, because they spent 90% of the daylight hours sleeping. If you're not awake, you soon will be. Good luck trying to get back to sleep once he's up.

There will be times when you want to kill him. When he decides to scratch at the door for an hour at 5 am, this will be one of those times. You will want to shake sense into him and scream at him. There will be times when he decides to pee on your leather purse or on your favorite bra. There will be very bad times. Do not act. These times will pass.

6. And then you will forgive him because he is doing the cutest thing in the entire world. 5 minutes after he peed on everything you love and hold dear, he will rub against you and purr and nuzzle your face and all will be forgiven. Because even though you're mad, he's just so damn cute and sweet and he loves you sooo much, right? I can't believe he's doing that suuuper cute thing! This is the cutest thing in the entire world!



7. Just kidding, this NEXT thing he just did is the cutest thing in the world.



8. Cats get a bad rap for not giving unconditional love, but once you earn a cat's love, it really is unconditional from then on. Remember that video of the dog who attacked that little boy and the cat who attacked the dog and chased him off? UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. When my mom stayed with me in New Hampshire, she had a nightmare and punched the wall in the middle of the night. James jumped on the bed - from a place where he was totally safe and out of danger, mind you - onto the bed, hissing, and ready to attack my mom. He thought I was in danger. He jumped into danger, in attack mode, to save me from this danger. Once he realized she was awake and wasn't dangerous, he calmed down, sniffed her face, and decided she would live another day. If that's not unconditional love, I don't know what is.

Plus, cats and dogs aren't an "either-or" choice. While I love cats (and my cats in particular), I really do love dogs too. J and I talk all the time about the kinds of dogs we want when we get a house. Even though I won, "Most Likely to Be a Cat Lady" two years running in my sorority, I still love dogs. I can't wait to get a dog. Seeing James dominate dogs six times his size is a hoot. Plus dogs are good snugglers and give lots of kisses. Plenty of good reasons to have both!

9. Oh, that guy I like is allergic to cats? Guess I don't like him anymore. Oh, your friends are sick of all your cat pictures? They'd better get used to them, because the pics aren't stopping. Seriously, the pictures will never stop. I hope you like 10 pictures of my cat in slightly different poses, because that's what's going on Instagram as we speak. I regret nothing. I had to look at 20 pictures of your child in same pose or yet another picture of you and your husband looking exactly the same as the last picture you took, so I think you can deal with pictures of my cat. And honestly, I love seeing pictures of people's animals. My friend Macy has a Shiba Inu who I could literally look at for days. He's such a handsome dude. Bring on the pet pics, my friends.

10. Cats live a really long time. When I first got James at 6 weeks old, I realized that he could live into his mid-20's. That's a really long time for a pet. I realized that J and I would probably have kids and we'd still have James and Leif around. That's a really long commitment. If you're going to get a cat, you need to realize that it's a commitment for their lifetime, not just a cute kitten that you can give away when it stops being so cute (just kidding - it never stops being cute). But in all seriousness, getting any pet is a serious commitment, and if you're not ready to go through all the emotions, vet fees, litter, etc. of being a pet owner, please wait until you are ready.


Do you have any tips to add? Which are the most true? Do you disagree with any of them?

Monday, May 26

My 1L Year of Law School


Since I've been home, practically everyone I've talked to has asked me how my first year of law school went. Which I guess makes sense, since it is a very obvious question... and yet, I realized I hadn't talked about it! 


1st Semester
At first: 
At the beginning of the semester, I was so nervous and excited to start everything. It made me feel better that we were all basically in the same boat: scared out of our minds and wondering how law school really was. It literally took hours to do each reading assignment, and I couldn't find a case brief style I liked. But everything was new and excited and I was inspired and motivated to keep going.

Homework:
Briefing cases got easier throughout the semester, but homework still took a really long time each night. It's hard to know how much you should be studying. You don't want to overwork yourself for no good reason, but you also want to get good grades. It was really hard to find a balance first semester.

It was also hard to figure out a good place to study. I like studying at home, but there wasn't much room on my desk. The kitchen table was a good size, but it was in a shared space and I didn't want to get in anyone's way. The kitchen chairs are also relatively hard, so it wasn't comfortable sitting there for an extended period of time. I didn't like going to the library to study, so I mostly just studied in my bed.

Home:
I was living with brand new people, and it always takes some adjusting to figure out a system and keep everyone happy. Taking care of and snuggling with James was the most relaxing thing for me. 

Friends:
I made a few good friends at school, but since we were still separated in sections, it was hard to get to know people in the other section. I felt like people in my section had already made friendships, and it was hard for me to put myself out there and try to broaden my friendship circle because I was insecure and lonely. I really wanted close friends, but I was so stressed because of school and home stuff that it felt like there was no point.

It's not like I didn't have friends. I liked almost every single person in my class. UNH Law had some killer parties, like the Halloween party. I hung out with Abby a lot, and Stephanie and I went to Siam Orchid a lot for girl talk and great food. I don't want to downplay the great friendships I did have - just that I felt isolated.

School:
I really loved all my classes, but it almost seemed like I was missing something - like, I was doing all the reading and even reading supplements (especially later in the semester), but it certainly didn't feel like I was an expert in any subject. Torts was a really fun class and probably my favorite, but I also really liked Civil Procedure. Since I was a file clerk/legal secretary for years, I came into it knowing what Motions and Answers and stuff were. It helped put things in perspective.

I also never made a fool of myself when I was cold called, so that was nice.

Family:
Truth time: I was the most lonely I have ever been in my entire life.

I missed my family, I missed my boyfriend, and I missed my friends. I'm typically a really independent person, so I thought moving out here on my own wouldn't be a big deal. I think I underestimated the difference being truly alone can make. While I had friends at school, it just wasn't the same thing as having friends that have known you for years and you feel comfortable snuggling with. No one touched me for months. I felt very isolated and I missed the people who loved me the most.

My grandparents came to visit me about halfway through the semester, and I cried when they left. I visited my parents in September, and cried when I left. When I came home for Christmas, I spent it with J's family, which was great because I love them and obviously I love J, but it wasn't the same as spending it with my family. My mom sent me my stocking in the mail... and I cried. There was a lot of crying last semester.

Health:
I lost about 15 lbs last semester. I don't know if was because of stress or because I was sad, and I don't want to imply that it was "healthy" or "unhealthy." It just was. I don't eat when I'm emotional - I stop eating, which probably explains my weight loss. I think I worked out once the entire semester.



2nd Semester
At first:
I was a little bummed coming back because my grades weren't very good from first semester, but I was also determined to get them up this semester! I came back much more relaxed. I already knew how to case brief, how to read legal textbooks, and how to study. It wasn't like I had to learn anything drastically new - just apply those learned skills to new classes.

Homework:
The homework load seemed so much more do-able this semester. I wasn't surprised by the amount of reading, and I always got my homework finished before 11pm every night. Since some of my grades were lower 1st semester, I knew that I needed to change up my study habits and put more effort into preparing for tests, even months ahead of time. I started creating outlines before midterms, which really, really helped at the end of the semester for finals.

In the future, I'm definitely going to take my outlining more seriously throughout the year. The more I study and understand during class and during the school year, the less stressed I'll be for finals. I still don't have most of my grades back, so it's hard to tell how much my study habits improved this semester, haha. The one grade I got back was excellent, so I think that's a good sign. :)

Home:
James was a little more trouble this semester. He started scratching on my door 1st semester, but the scratching habit got way worse this time around. He started scratching on my roommates' door too, which obviously wasn't ideal. I think he's just a nosy cat (like most cats are), but it was still really annoying. I put up some sticky pads that were supposed to stop him from scratching surfaces. They worked really, really well for about a week, but then he just ignored them and went right back to scratching. *sigh*

Friends:
I realized that half the reason I was so lonely last semester was that I wasn't putting myself out there. Like, I can't be sad that I wasn't invited out when I'm not going out or inviting people out either. I tried a lot harder this semester to hang out with people from school and invite others to hang out with me. The result was that I was infinitely less lonely, I felt so much more connected with people, and I made some really great friendships that I had only started developing last semester.

I'm sure it helped that my class was all getting used to each other, so it was easier to form friendships and have intimate conversations. Regardless, I think it was really important that I started putting myself out there. If I had done this more 1st semester, I think I would have been so much happier.

School:
Classes went really well this semester. I worked really hard to keep up with my outlining (as a I said before), which made me feel like I was understanding the material better. I really liked all my classes, and I loved that we got to do more experiential learning! Even if it was stressful and confusing sometimes, I think it was really good for me to be forced to speak and argue in front of my classmates. I even got to argue in a real courtroom at the end of the semester!

Family:
Along with forming closer friendships 2nd semester, I also felt much more connected to J and my family! Everyone did a really fabulous job of making me feel loved and supported. J even flew up to see me this semester, so he got to spend a week with me in New Hampshire. It was sooo good for my soul to see him and have him in my little world. My mom also flew up to see me this semester, so I spent a long weekend with her! She hadn't seen my school, my apartment, or Concord yet! I think she really enjoyed seeing my environment and knowing who I was talking about when I mentioned names. All in all, it felt so much more natural and safe with my loved ones visiting me. It made such a huge difference!

Health:
I gained some weight back over Christmas break, which was probably good for me. I lost a little more over the course of the semester, but not nearly as much as 1st semester. I felt really healthy and good about myself. I still didn't work out a lot, but I did yoga a handful of times and ate pretty well!



There were times both semesters when I seriously thought about quitting law school, or at least transfering to Drake, back in Iowa. Only once during 2nd semester, thank goodness. I'm so glad I stuck with it. I really love my school, even though it's so far away from my friends and family back in Iowa and South Carolina.

All in all, this was a confusing, stressful, challenging, fun, exciting year of law school. I grew so much as a person, as a girlfriend, as a daughter and sister, and as a future lawyer. I think I learned how to "survive" on my own, and became stronger with the knowledge that I could be self-sufficient if I needed to be. I'm so grateful that my friends and family supported me over this past year, because it was not easy. I cried a lot, I stressed even more, and I was not a walk in the park. I'm sure I was not easy to live with, even without James scratching on doors. 

Despite all the negative, I think I learned to embrace positivity more second semester and tried hard to find the good in situations. I laughed at myself a lot and tried not to take things too seriously. Ultimately, I think it was a rough year, but one that was absolutely necessary for my own self-growth. I am definitely better for the experience, and I can't wait until August to go back!

((Just kidding - this is gonna be an awesome summer!))


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