Listen, friend: I've got your number. I'm no fool. I know you're browsing Netflix, looking for something to watch. Your significant other isn't around to judge your shitty choices, you've just opened a bottle of wine, and you scroll past that one tv show (or movie). You know the one; the one you've rolled your eyes at a hundred times, laughed, and scoffed something along the lines of, "Ha! Yeah, like I'd ever watch that."
Oh, am I projecting? Whatever.
I'm not here to judge you; I'm here to give you the scoop on those shows, because I've already gone through all the stages of shame and come out stronger (or at least, more apathetic) in the end.
Just bite the bullet and watch the stupid show.
"Reign"
Basic Plot: Mary, Queen of Scots, is essentially a high-schooler in the French court of her betrothed, blonde side piece, the Dauphin of France. She's young and hot and has young and hot friends.
Initial Reaction: Before I watched it, I was blindly hoping for a kind of "Tudors"-inspired show. The cover image looked like "The Tudors" mixed with "Pretty Little Liars" or something equally mindless, so I avoided this show for quite a while. I mean, I'm 27 years old - I haven't been 14 in quite some time, and I didn't really like being 14 to begin with - so I wasn't holding out much hope for it being a good show.
Did I try to stop? Yes. J and I watched a full two episodes of this show last fall and I about lost my mind. I was actually the one who called it quits. The costumes were what did me in - despite being set in the late 1500's, the woman all wear modern takes on gowns, including two-pieces, feathers, and essentially prom dresses. I called it, I stopped watching it, and I held out (happily) until this Spring.
Did J watch with me? Initially, yes. He's a kind husband. I didn't even suggest he continue watching it with me the second time around because (a) I was honestly too ashamed, and (b) I don't think he would have after losing two hours of his life to the show already.
Ultimate Consensus: Oh man, where do I even start? The whole show seemed like something I would have written when I was literally 14 years old; it's weirdly sexy (gotta keep those teens interested!), so "romantic" at times I literally rolled my eyes when I was alone and there was no one there to even roll my eyes for, and the characters are constantly put into situations (due to fate, intrigue, hormones, etc.) where they hurt the people they love.
Personally, the thing I found most annoying about the show was how characters were constantly "forced" into positions where they then gave up agency and responsibility for their own actions. Like, "Oh no, I can't marry you anymore, because if I do, you're going to be killed!" "I don't have a choice - I need to betray you to save my country." "I'm an asshole now, out of the blue, and it turns out that it's poison or syphilis or something, NOT because I'm just a dick, which would honestly be a perfectly normal and fine assumption." No one ever takes responsibility for their own actions, and especially if this show's demographic is teens, let's maybe consider teaching them actual lessons, hmmm?
In sexual situations, characters are constantly denying themselves (NOT SURE WHY, BECAUSE LITERALLY ALL OF YOU ARE IN LIKE, THE MOST SEXUAL COURT IN THE WORLD WHERE LITERALLY EVERYONE IS BONING SO HONESTLY WHO IS GOING TO JUDGE?) and then finally "giving in," but then the "giving in" sex is like, boring and romantic even though all the courtship leading up to it was weirdly kinky. Like, "Yeah, let me watch you undress from across the hall while you know I'm watching you because I'm into this," and the moment they finally bone, it's like, "Let me kiss you gently and make love to you." OH, OKAY, GUESS I MISREAD THAT.
Worst part of the show by far is the music choices. Some prime examples:
- A character will say something like, "I have always loved you," and then some shitty pop song by someone you've literally never heard of starts playing with the lyrics, "Blah blah blah, I have always loved you, blah blah blah." It's like the show's music people went to some massive music database, searched for the exact phrase that's in the script, and then were like, "Eh, this sounds pop-y and hip enough, let's go with it." The song will then last a total of 8 measures, and suddenly stop.
- The music doesn't match up to what's happening. This song starts playing during a scene where two characters are practicing sword-fighting; but no, not the whole song - just the opening, "Ehhh ey oh, ey oh, ehhh ey oh, ey oh," part. It makes no effing sense. I made J watch that scene because he didn't believe me. We STILL joke about it!
I know, I'm really selling you on the show, right? "M, you have given me countless reasons to never waste my time on this show. You really think I'm going to watch this show now that you've confirmed just how stupid it is?" Um, yeah, I do. You were going to watch it anyway. Accept your own agency and take responsibility for your terrible choices.
"Escape to the County"
Basic Plot: Imagine HGTV for sleepy British people and you've pretty much got it.
Initial Reaction: It was suggested to me because I watched every episode of "The Great British Bake Off" on Netflix. I thought, "This looks pretty lame, but I guess I'll see how it is."
Did I try to stop? Not really. My interest eventually just waned, but it wasn't anything affirmative on my part.
Did J watch with me? He's been in the room during some episodes, but he's never purposefully watched it.
Ultimate Consensus: Listen, this is not even close to the same level as "Reign," and I would never try to pretend it was. The problem is that it feels like something my aging great uncle would think is a fascinating show, or like, what my mom would watch after getting day-drunk on a rainy Sunday morning (note: my mom does not actually get day-drunk because she would just fall asleep, so this is more of a metaphor, not an actual example). Would I still watch it? YES, ABSOLUTELY. I love putting this on in the early morning, while J is still asleep and I need to check emails and start on work. It's perfect to "watch" in the background while you're otherwise being productive. Everyone is quiet and polite, you learn about tiny, English country towns, and sometimes the host and person trying to find a home do weird stuff, like learning to make sausage, or learning about the history of lace.
"Crazy Ex-Girlfriend"
Basic Plot: Girl is a lawyer in New York, realizes she is corporate scum, has a bit of a mental breakdown, and moves to a small town in California to semi-stalk her ex-boyfriend. Girl works on her mental health, bones a lot, sings a lot, and tries to figure out her life.
Initial Reaction: This has been on my radar for a while and I know I'm going to get some flak for including it on this list because it seems fairly popular. It looks like something I'd really like - I mean, it's a musical. There are 3-4 musical numbers in every episode. I'd also heard that it did a good job representing people of different genders, ethnicities, sexualities, etc., and was typically seen as a "feminist" show. It was more than enough to sell me.
Did I try to stop? No, I watched the whole thing. It took me a while, but I did it.
Did J watch with me? No. He hates musicals. Yes, I still married him.
Ultimate Consensus: I went back and forth through all three or four seasons about whether the show was hilarious or boring (or, you know, both). I still don't have an answer for you. Did I like it? Eh, I guess? It was fine. But seriously, why do you even care what I think? You're going to watch it eventually. It's light, it's semi-funny, and you might as well just feel "bleh" about it on your own.
"Salem"
Basic Plot: It's Salem, Mass during the Salem Witch Trials. Witches actually do exist, they're tricky, everyone is weirdly woke for the time period, and despite the copious amounts of gore and sex, you don't see female nipples once. Lots of side boob, many butts, people literally being ripped limb from limb - but no nipples, thank god. Shane West from "A Walk to Remember" is a main character and he has long hair.
Initial Reaction: I kept seeing this on my Netflix feed. It didn't look any worse than "Reign," which is honestly the least I could say about it. J and I are super into witches and paranormal stuff, and we've visited Salem when I was in law school, so it was definitely within our range of interests. I was still shocked when he agreed to watch it with me.
Did I try to stop? Never. Not once, and I'm not ashamed.
Did J watch with me? Heck yes, he did. We usually did 1-3 episodes a night if he got home early enough. I'm always up for watching more episodes, but while J's usually the one who's like, "Eh, I'm done," after one episode, he often agreed to watch multiple episodes of this show.
Ultimate Consensus: We had very low expectations for the show and I was not sober for many of the episodes (which I believe improved it immensely), but J and I had so much fun watching it together. It's a great show to make fun of while appreciating it for what it is. I have basically been begging J to re-watch it in the evenings again and I think I've almost got him convinced. Fingers crossed for tonight!
Highlights:
- I've begun a chant of "Shaaane West, Shaaane West" that I now use when anticipating Shane West on my tv screen. We recently watched "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen," which incidentally also stars Shane West. Much chanting was had.
- If you like men, and you're around my age, you definitely watched "A Walk to Remember" and loved Shane West as the "bad boy" (SPOILERS) turned "good boy" in love with Mandy Moore. God, what a stupid, great movie. Did I mention Shane West was also in "Salem?" He basically just walks around being gruff and moody the entire time, and he looks like a poor man's Aragorn from "Lord of the Rings." Whatever, I'm here for it.
- Characters are randomly woke: This young woman will be like, "Witches aren't real! That's a sexist trope used to demean strong women!" Like, yes, TRUE, but you didn't know that; You are 16 years old in 1692. It's very obvious where they tried to modernize certain concepts to fit with a modern audience, and it comes off as simultaneously strange and funny.
- Lucy Lawless makes an appearance in the last season and honestly, I will watch ANYTHING with Lucy Lawless in it because my girl is more like Lucy FLAWLESS, am I right?
- I'm gonna rep for the guy who plays Cotton Mathers for a bit because he seems like the worst actor and stupidest character at first but I promise he grows on you.
- I'm fairly confident the writers found out they weren't getting renewed for another season halfway through the last season, and tied it up in the end like, "I guess this could happen, let's just go with it." I mean, it had to end somehow, but you'll know what I mean once you get there.
- The fact that they don't show nipples on the show but show gratuitous sex and violence is just bananas. They do show these "witch nipples" that witches use to feed their familiars, which I guess is totally allowed for some reason???
----------------------------------------
Have you seen any of these shows yet? What did you think? What terrible show have you been meaning to watch once your SO's not around?
No comments:
Post a Comment